This just in: BDSM can ONLY be sexual

[silvercat17]

TW: for rape comparison, asexual erasure, mansplaining,

So, I'm part of a group on Fetlife that posts bad conversations on Omegle and other sites. I had posted a chat where I was suprised that I had a good non-sexual conversation on the Bad Dragon interest tag (Bad Dragon being a company that makes dildos). My thoughts in italicized parentheses.

It started there:

Friend:
Oh wow, so you can have a non sexual conversation!

Me:
And yet I get all these people in the BDSM tag who insist I must be there to talk about sex!

Jerk:
@me well isn't Bdsm about sexuality to a degree? But good convo none the less :)  (This is someone else on Fetlife who has been doing BDSM for a long time. Not a newb, not an outsider)


Me:
Asexual people exist and do BDSM. So no. Not to mention the number of allosexual (non-asexual) people who do BDSM for sensual, spiritual, or emotional reasons. So, still no.

Jerk:
So why not use for a tag Bdsm theory? Just seems to me like the majority of people who use omegle and the Bdsm tag are in it for the sexual purposes you don't enjoy :/

Jerk:
Or asexual Bdsm :/ I personally have had quiet a few great conversations with Bdsm theory on there :)

Me:
I don't do BDSM theory. I do BDSM. I don't do it to get off.

He also PMed me. (I'm trying to put this in order of when I saw them)

If you don't mind me inquiring.

Jerk:
Being that I am on aven (Asexual Visiblity and Education Network - the most well-know website and forum for asexuals) I understand grey-a, asexuality, Demi, etc. (Because being on a forum, makes someone an expert? Huh, apparently I'm an expert at constructed languages and linguistics because I'm on a Conlang board. If only that were true.) I am posing a question to you. To deny that you're a sexual being is wrong. You just don't get off on people for the most part. (Does anyone else find that a really weird / kind of offensive phrasing?) Bdsm is an act in which most asexuals, Demi, and grey-a do to get off from my understanding. From a spiritual standpoint there is still sexuality present from a Bdsm standpoint.

Help me understand how you feel about those statements.

(For those of you who don't know, asexual is defined as a lack of desire to have sex with other people. It doesn't mean people don't masturbate. It doesn't mean they don't have sex out of other reasons, such as making a partner happy or to have kids. It just means they don't desire to have sex with people, just like a straight guy doesn't desire to have sex with other guys, but might for other reasons)

Me:
First of all, you don't get to speak for me or for anyone besides yourself. (And I try to be careful not to talk for anyone besides myself)

I don't see myself as a sexual being. If I could never get horny again, I would be happy. I'm a sensual and aesthetic being. ( anagnori.tumblr.com/post/75191097412/maps-of-attraction-spectrums-apparently )

I don't do BDSM to get off. I masturbate or have sex to get off. I find getting turned on during a scene to be a distraction. I don't play with people because I want a tingly feeling in my crotch or because I want to have sex with them. I play with them because I like them as a friend, and because I enjoy the sensations and the headspace it gets me into. When I'm in subspace I DO NOT WANT any sort of sexual contact. It pulls me out and makes me unhappy.

There is someone I follow on tumblr and livejournal who is asexual and she does BDSM because she loves rope and suspensions. It's not sexual, it's sensual.

I'm not a spiritual person, so I can't speak about that side. I know it's something that exists. A number of my friends have said they don't like to mix sex and BDSM. Is the one getting some sort of sexual satisfaction out of doing housework? I would assume not, but I'm coming from it from a different perspective than she is. (In other words - people do BDSM in different ways and don't start trying to say there's only one way to approach it)

There is pretty much nothing that you can give absolutes about.

And a different PMed convo:

P.s. we have met before and had fun

Jerk:
Its (removed) from Okc(upid). You invited me to get to know you on here but never felt like logging in.

Me:
You had fun. I ended up thinking you were a judgmental ass who was out to change people.

I'm an intersectional feminist, a supporter of fat acceptance, and a progressive. (Things evidence suggests he is not)

(I unfortunately don't have a great memory for events. I remember being annoyed at him because he talked about how certain foods are uniformly bad and he planned out an excercise routine for me. I think there was more as well.)

Jerk:
So why give me your fetlife name then and say add me? And everyone changes others. It's a part of interacting with people. Judgemental, no, I accepted you for you just as I do everyone else. Although I do admit I am an ass.

Me:
Either I did that before we had met or at the time I was lonelier.

Accepted me as I am? But you're saying that how I define myself isn't true (you - "BDSM has to be sexual!')

From the other conversation:
Jerk:
More often than not silly (You can not dismiss me that easily) its the case :p and yes we both know how you hate it when people contact you to just scene. We have met before, we got along well, you invited me to add you but I never did because (my old fetlife name) was not your nickname by the time I looked -nudges- I am saying that most of the time people who are in Bdsm are in it for the sexuality involved. (No, you were saying ALL people do it for sexual reasons) Which is why I personally go for a different tag since it has todo with theory :p (I'm not interested in theory)

And from P.s. we have met before and had fun
Jerk:
P.s. I believe in equality so much I run around with a tutu, and a my little pony beanie with a no h8 badge sewed on it. ( -_- No comment) I do hope you can explain why you feel so strongly against someone you met with once, who invited you out to join him in non sexual conversation, and share a drink to be Judgemental :/ (Gee, because of this conversation?)

Jerk:
I am saying throughout history people redefine and believe whatever they wish to believe. You're according to your profile grey-a. You find the person behind the looks sexually pleasing. (No, I don't.) The activities you perform on yourself or others do is sexual. (Please tell me how something is sexual, when I'm not getting turned on and don't want to be turned on) Even if you don't wish it. It's like how a woman who is raped can still reach orgasm. She doesn't want it too but if it happens it happens. (Man-splainer uses RAPE COMPARISON! Rattata flinches!)

Bdsm itself is sexual in nature. Regardless of what a minority feels. It sucks for those that don't wish it to be but it's true.

Me:
No, I don't find people sexually pleasing. I find them aesthetically pleasing. (Seriously, when I see a cute person, my reaction is not 'I want to have sex with that person'. It's generally 'I want their clothes. I want to dress them in other clothes.')

And did you really, really just compare BDSM to rape? REALLY?

Blocking you now, you creepy asshole

So, now we have obvious proof that jerk-dude is a misogynistic asshole. Lovely.

Corroborating evidence from his profile (bold added):

The point of me being here even though I am married -happily- is to find people like myself. I am tired of running into boring, uneducated, Judgemental, spineless, passive aggressive women. So in order to get to the chewy and very tasty center that is me, I will do my best to put you on edge. If this isn't your cup of tea then let me know ahead of time. I will be my norms following, non faux passé self who is boring as fuck and wont ever have a desire to even do anything with you besides be a friend -which btw I am an awesome friend to have-.

(...)

I want people like me in my life. I want to strip every single mental defense you have and bask in the glory of who you are at your core. I want you to prove to me that you have a backbone, are intelligent, and want to create something unique. I will do the same.

So glad I didn't go on a second date.

You know what's beautiful? There are already a handful of people - most of them allosexual - who are telling him he's wrong, both on the original topic and on the one mirroring this one. I love it.

Comments

[dantesspirit]

Does anyone else find that a really weird / kind of offensive phrasing?

Yes. It was... strangely worded and I'm not sure exactly what his point with it was.

Bdsm is an act in which most asexuals, Demi, and grey-a do to get off from my understanding.

Keyword here- and HE said it- is most. Not all. Most. That means there ARE some who do it for other reasons, he knows this, he just refuses to accept it.

Even if you don't wish it. It's like how a woman who is raped can still reach orgasm. She doesn't want it too but if it happens it happens. (Man-splainer uses RAPE COMPARISON! Rattata flinches!)

*beats head on desk repeatedly.*

So in order to get to the chewy and very tasty center that is me, I will do my best to put you on edge. (Et Al...)

Putting people-deliberately- on 'edge' is a surefire way to alienate them and insure you never, ever get anywhere with them. Not as friends, not a acquintences, nadda. That's not how you get to know people and it's certainly not how you make friends, let alone relationships.

[silveradept]

Yeah, I'm going to say that's not kind of offensive, it is offensive, and that jerk assuming everyone's in it for the sexytimes had no idea what he's talking about, especially in the rape comparison of "everyone gets off, whether they consciously want to or not."

[silvercat17]

And now he's doubling down and citing Wikipedia. While everyone there says 'no, dude, you're wrong. Just stop.'

[silvercat17]

The thing is, I've talked to several allosexual kinkster who don't do BDSM for sexual reasons. Most books will talk about spiritual or emotional reasons to do it. So it's not even just ace people who don't all do it for sexy times. It's everyone.

[dantesspirit]

This is true.

Honestly, I think this guy is just plain an asshole.