My name is mine and I love it

[silvercat17]

Mirrored from Shenanigans - Curiously Lydean.

Even though it’s constantly mispronounced (see the sidebar :) ), every time I see or hear my name it makes me happy. It’s my own name, one I’ve chosen and claimed.

It’s not the name I was born with. The first name is similar and I kept my birth surname as a second middle name (in a futile attempt to appease my parents). My birth name felt girly to me and wasn’t something I identified with. And my birth surname was something I was teased with as a kid (that and a dozen other things.)

Lydean feels gender-neutral to me. It used to be Lydia – which got the Beetlejuice references, among other things. Lydia is pretty. I don’t want to be pretty. And I can pretend that my friends and family that can’t be bothered to call me Lydean are shortening it. (Thanks guys, it doesn’t bother me at all)

There’s been disadvantages to changing it. It was expensive – about $700 for the various court and paperwork fees, plus missing two days of work (but that job sucked anyway). And my old last name was at the end of the alphabet (which was one reason I changed it – I was tired of being at the end of the list). But being at the end meant it was easier to find on a list. And the last time I got called to jury duty, my new name meant I got called into a court room faster (lawyers: never ever pick me for jury duty. It’s a terrible idea.)

It took about a year to get all my bills changed. There are a few things I’ve never bothered to change. I have to put down my old name for background checks when I get hired. People can’t pronounce it – but people had a hard time with ‘Lydia’ as well. I don’t know how the ‘n’ got in there, but everyone wanted to call me Linda. I’m not a Linda.

But that’s minor. I changed my name because I didn’t like my old one. It didn’t fit me. But I didn’t have any real trauma associated with it, so it’s not painful to deal with references to my old name (except people refusing to use it or giving me shit about it…)

I love my name.

Lydean is creative and unusual. It feels genderqueer, like me.

Katherine is strong. It used to be Marie, which is common and soft. Katherine is melodious. And I can pull pseudonyms from it. If I want to be Kitty that day, I can. I can be Kat. I can be Rine or even The.

Kenzall is unique. I didn’t mean it to be. I mean, I made it up, but I figured it was a real name somewhere. Apparently it wasn’t. It is now. It fits me too. You could interpret it as ‘kens all’ meaning either ‘understands all’ or ‘know-it-all’. The latter is definitely more accurate. It’s got a z. Z’s are cool.

Lydean Katherine Kenzall. It’s got rhythm. It’s got a beat. LyDEan KAthe’rine KENzall (okay, it’s not a great beat, but I am not musically talented.) I can be who I want with it.

I want to be a guy that day: throw on jeans and boxers, put in a packer, strap down the boobs, slouch and swear. Hey, I’m Dean Kenzall.

I want to be a sophisticated woman: put on heels, slacks and a tight top, line my eyes and put on mascara. Evening, I’m Lydean Katherine. (this never happens)

I feel silly or little: wear a cute hat and a t-shirt, bounce around barefoot. Hi! I’m Kitty!!

Or, my normal self: jeans, boxers, a tank top with a men’s shirt over, a fedora over hair combed to the side, sandals and a smart-ass grin, a backpack full of writing projects. Hi, I’m Lydean Kenzall.

It’s my own name. And it makes me happy.

(edited to remove some unnecessary negativity)