Oh god, please hire me

Oh god, please hire me

I've been unemployed since November. My unemployment has run out and if I can't get money or a job by the middle of September, I'm going to have to move back in with my parents. I need at least $950 to keep my apartment, my cellphone, and my health insurance. That won't cover my credit card, my internet, my car insurance, or any other expenses.

So what can I do for you?
- I'm a trained graphic artist. I've done flyers, logos, websites, web graphics, packaging, etc. You can see some of my work at: http://lydeanworks.tumblr.com
- I'm an illustrator. You can see some of my work at: http://silvercat17.deviantart.com/
- I'm a writer. I can do copy-editing and copy-writing as well. You can read some of my fiction at: http://www.curiouslylydean.net/category/writing-2/

At this point, I will take ANY full-time job except sales. Seriously.

Some stuff you can commission:
- custom monograms for $35 (examples here: http://silvercat17.deviantart.com/gallery/?offset=0)
- Illustrations are $25. I'll draw anything that's not illegal.
- Logos are $70
- Websites are $500
- Etsy / web banners are $20
- Ask! I can probably do it.

While generally I wouldn't ask for money until I was done, because of the time crunch, I'm going to have to be paid upfront.

But what about...
- a roommate? I live in a tiny studio apartment that's stuffed full of stuff (... I'm kind of a pack rat)
- food? I have enough canned and frozen food to last a while and my parents will buy me groceries
- car / gas? The car is payed off and I get good gas mileage, so I should be okay for a while
- pets? I have food and bedding for them that should last a couple of months
- selling belongings? I'm working on listing stuff on eBay and selling other things other ways. As soon as I have the listings up, I'll link to them.

PLEASE, if you can hire me or suggest anything, help me out!